Thursday, July 27, 2006

Why do lesbians and gay men always get grouped together? This is something that has perplexed me for years. Our magazines, our newspapers, our protests, our parades, you name it, we are all grouped together. I suppose that it’s because 10% of the population is a small demographic, and without each other, it would be an even teeny tinier niche market. If we want power in numbers, we have to be counted together. But if you really look at it, who has LESS in common than lesbians and gay men?

Now, I must add a disclaimer here. I am by no means saying that all gay men fit into this description, nor do all lesbians. We are all individuals. This post is meant to be amusing. So please, don’t take it personally. I do not mean to offend anyone. I’ve just worked the stereotypes left and right. But, when you read it, you’ll know that I’m right at least part of the time.

Let's examine the question... Who has LESS in common than lesbians and gay men? OK, gay men like other men. In fact, they love other men…but they do not seem to care very much for women (except for fag hags, because fag hags adore them and find them endlessly fascinating). Now, I can’t say that ALL gay men do not care much for women, but I’ve been called a “fish” by enough of them to say that a large percentage of them feel that way. At best, I think that most gay men tolerate women. And I suspect that lesbians fall a little lower down on gay men’s list of favorites than straight women do, especially if the straight woman in question is fashionable and/or glamorous. Gay men usually have a keen sense of fashion, they know the designers, they know what is hot and what is not. They take great pride in their appearance. And its no secret that dykes, for the most part are NOT glamorous or fashionable. We are more comfortable than fashionable. We prefer comfortable clothing such as shorts, jeans and t-shirts, comfortable shoes such as running shoes and Birkenstocks, easy care hair, little or no makeup. We don’t know the names of designers, and we don’t intend to learn them. About as close to designer labels as we get is ordering something from the L. L. Bean catalog. No frills and sequins for us! But gay men love glamorous women. If you don’t believe me, let's take a look at Cher and Rosie O’Donnell. Which one is the gay icon? You don’t see the queens up on the stage in a t shirt, shorts and Nike Cross Trainers belting out a song from “Grease”.

Now let's examine the other side of that coin. It seems that most lesbians don’t seem to care very much for men…no, contrary to popular belief, we don’t actually hate them, but except for our fathers, our sons and other assorted male family members, we really don’t seek them out for too much personal contact. That is kind of a shame, because many of us can talk with reasonable accuracy about power tools or the intricacies of professional sports. We could easily be Billy Bob’s new best friend. If we are in a work situation with men, we are friendly coworkers, but we secretly try to outwork them whenever we can. It adds an interesting dynamic to male/female coexistence. However, I think that lesbians would have to put gay men over straight men on their favorites list. Probably because they are witty and fun to be around, and it's just good to be friends with someone who "plays for the same team". Oh, and because a gay man will never hit on us or suggest that we go home and "party with him and his wife".

Personally, my wife and I play this little game called “That’s Reason Number 2,485”. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, it involves sighting men that make us EXTRA glad that we are lesbians. For example…we’re in Wal-Mart, and we see some man in nasty camouflage clothing, dirty, torn shirt, unshaven, greasy hair, with about four teeth in his mouth. This is where one of us says, “That’s reason number 986”. That's all there is to it! It’s a simple game, that’s why it’s so much fun to play. And the fact that you are NOT with the man in question means that you WIN EVERY TIME! One more disclaimer….lesbians do not become lesbians because of men. We are born, not made. No man has the power to turn a straight woman into a lesbian, so, straight men, get over yourselves!

Here’s another difference between lesbians and gay men. There are a lot of gay men with money out there. Men that live in fabulous homes, go to the circuit parties, hire interior designers, drive expensive cars, vacation all over the world. For the most part, you don’t see dykes with that kind of money. Well, maybe tv stars, but your run of the mill dyke does not have the means to fly out to the Dinah Shore Weekend or up to P-town on a whim. I'm not really sure why. If I ever figure it out, I'll get back to you.

Yet another difference…when gay men are “on”, they are the life of the party. They are sparkling, effervescent, witty, charming. On the other hand, dykes aren’t known for their wild sense of humor and glamorous parties. And if you are somewhere with mirrors, you will know where to find the gay men. Dykes avoid the mirrors…gay men are drawn to them like moths to a flame. And speaking of parties….could any two groups be any farther apart than gay men and lesbians on their choice of music? If you go to a gay man’s party/bar/club/store, any place where you find gay men in charge of the music that is playing, you will find the technopop, the driving beat going steady. I personally think that it is all one long song….there’s no beginning or end to it. Now, check out the lesbian music…ballads, folk music, sometimes we even get rocking with some music by Melissa Ethridge. And to be fair, there are a few new faces in lesbian music that add a little spice to it, but basically it’s a much different fare than the gay men’s music.

We have some differences, but if we have to be lumped together with any other group of people, gay men would be my group of choice. If we want power in numbers, we will have to put up with this togetherness. “Dykes on Bikes” and “Our Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence” will have to peacefully coexist in the Pride Parades and be happy!


At 10:53 AM, Blogger cozmic said...

Hi, having read this article, the description you give about a dyke is me!! I am 58 years old, but all my life I have lived in jeans and t's, I ride motorcycles, trikes, lorries, vans and anything else with wheels. I am very competitive, and I love it when I beat a man at anything. Pool being a good example. But I have had 5 children, 2 girls and 3 boys. Both of my daughters are extremely feminine, and I don't know where they get it from. I wouldn't say I am a lesbian tho. I love my husband very much, especially when he does as he is told! LOL. (Joke) So I don't think the description you give is really just. Maybe I am wrong, who knows. I am too long in the tooth to try and figure out human behaviour, give me dogs any day. You know where you are with a dog. Good luck and keep up with the articles, they are good, thought provoking, keeps the old brain box moving.

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Conor J. Murphy said...

Here's something that gay men in lesbians have in common, both groups think they're women. Ha Ha Ha. As a homo, I will take a lesbian over a straight woman any day. Unless of course the straight woman in question has hot shoes, in which case, I will ditch your ass in a heartbeat. I love lesbians and I love blogs, but most of all, I love lesbian blogs (aka Lesblogs). Keep up the good work, I love it.

At 10:14 PM, Blogger The dykes next door said...

Bless you, Conor. You know I'm one of your biggest fans. My favorite is "To Trixie With Love", which is brilliant. My second favorite would have to be "Soiled Carpet", even though its kind of a weepy one. But they are all great.
Anyway, thank you for your comments, I really like the idea of the "lesblog". That's my new word of the day.

At 10:31 PM, Blogger The dykes next door said...

Hi Cozmic! It seems that you are missing the one key component necessary to be a gotta love women, really love women (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more). Except for that, you would qualify. But I think that what we have here is a country gal. You see, it wasn't hard for me to assimilate into the queer community. Just add a wife and a few rainbow stickers, and Bob's your uncle. By the way, we may be getting another bad little dog. One of my wife's coworkers has an aunt who has a rat terrier, and she is going to a nursing home and can't take it. We are going to see if it can get along with the other dogs. I don't know how Bad Little Dog will take it, but I'll let you know!

At 4:59 AM, Blogger cozmic said...

Thanks for puting me 'straight' over my comments. Hope the dog can fit in. Keep up with the writing its brill. Will keep coming to visit if thats OK.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger The dykes next door said...

Of course we want you to come to visit cozmic! You know we love you! Oh, and I don't know when the dog is coming to visit. My wife said that she thought it was a rush kind of thing, but apparently it was not, because the girl hasn't called about it this weekend or emailed. We figure that there are two outcomes of the little "play date" with the new dog. I don't worry at all about the beagle and dalmatian, it's just the Bad Little Dog that I'm not sure about. Anyway, we figure that either 1)the two dogs will try to kill each other, and a huge fight will break out, or 2) they will love each other and play chase all around the yard, and Bad Little Dog will welcome the new dog in with open paws. I'm not sure what will happen. Of course, they could surprise us totally and just ignore each other. But I'll let everyone know about it as soon as it happens!


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