I’ve been thinking about my toaster. You know, the one I got for converting my wife to homosexuality and leading her into our “alternative lifestyle”. At the time, I was happy with the toaster. I mean, it’s a four slice toaster that holds bagels also, what’s not to like? But, as I said, I’ve been thinking about it, and it hardly seems fair. In the past, conversion to homosexuality was strictly a personal thing. It wasn’t until the Defense of Marriage Act that we were given the huge responsibility of destroying heterosexual marriage. That’s quite an ambitious project, don’t you think? That’s why I have come to the conclusion that now, since the stakes have been raised, we deserve better appliances. I’m not really sure what we should get instead, maybe it should be flexible, on a sliding scale…depending on age, level of activism, whether or not they intend to be out. Converting a young (20ish) person who would be an out activist would certainly merit a top reward, like an Ipod or maybe even a video camera (which would actually be a twofer, because of the ability to use the camera to make subversive videos and thereby use this technology to further our cause). It’s obvious why an out person and an activist person would add to your score. But I must make a clarification here…the younger, the higher level, only because this gives them potentially more years to work on the destruction of heterosexual marriage. In no way do I personally value a 20 year old more than a 60 year old. I just think that if the conversion involves an older person, say someone in their 60’s or 70s, the reward should be a little less, because in all probability they will have less time to work on our cause. And anyway, people are already used to two elderly women living together (remember the librarian and the church secretary in your home town?). If we are going to fight this Defense of Marriage Act, we’ve got to get serious about this conversion thing! We’ve got to get busy! Someone like Shane from “The L Word” could furnish their entire house in just a few months! What an incentive! I think that I should send this idea to the queer authorities, and see what happens! Don’t get me wrong, I may have come up with the idea, but I can buy my own appliances. I’m as much committed to the cause as anyone, but I will have to fight the DOMA in my own way. I don’t intend to ever collect another reward for conversion, no matter what they dangle in front of me. My wife is reward enough for me. I’ll keep my toaster, thank you!