Sunday, November 05, 2006

Is this sexy? Or is it just a male fantasy? After having posted the Dove Real Beauty video, I was thinking about the whole "beauty" thing. One of the extremely wonderful things about being married to another woman is that for the most part, lesbians don't buy into the whole "male idea of beauty". My wife tells me that her ex-husband constantly complained that she didn't dress "sexy" enough, wanted her to wear the Victoria's Secret type underwear, complained that she didn't wear makeup and wanted her to be "more feminine". My experience was somewhat the same. My ex-husband bought me corsets, thongs, other "sexy" lingere, and complained when I didn't wear them around the house. You know, cleaning the kitchen and washing clothes are perfect times to wear a see through camisole and matching thong. He begged me to wear low cut clothing, to show off my (then) perky breasts. As you know, I wear makeup (OK, I fell back onto the makeup wagon-but that's another story). But for my ex-husband, my understated makeup was just not enough for him. He took me to cosmetic counters to get "made over", but I always left feeling that I looked like a... um, let's just say not like a person making a living during the daylight hours. Now, before you read this next part, I have to state that I am in no way the Lesbian Authority on Appearance. I am just a normal everyday lesbian who likes to observe and study other people. That said, I must say that, like straight people, yes, lesbians do care what other women look like. Most of us have a "type" that we tend to look at with more lust than others. For instance, take the L word...Shane is the main object of lust on that show. But, there are others who prefer the other characters, although I must say that I have never met anyone who liked Jenny. I'm not sure if that is because of her looks or her character's personality. But I believe that I can safely say that Shane is the favorite character, as far as appearance goes. (Sorry, I digressed.) But, I venture to say that lesbians don't limit their relationships to women that fit a certain type of attractiveness. Being the "type" that someone is attracted to might catch their attention, but I believe that for most lesbians, our relationships are forged on a much deeper level. My wife and I are soulmates. We connect on a level that I don't believe you can ever have with a man. Not because men are "bad". But because men are just different from women. They don't have the same thoughts, the same experiences, the same needs. I read somewhere (and I have been looking on the internet to find this study again, but haven't been able to locate it) that one of men's top 2-3 priorities in life is having an "attractive" wife. What this is saying is that men are defined by their wife's attractiveness to other men. How shallow/crazy is that? Now, let me say that I know that every man (or woman) is not the same, and this does not apply to all men, but the fact that it is one of the top 2-3 priorities in this study tells you that it IS an extremely important thing to a LOT of men. But back to the issue at hand. My wife is beautiful to me, and she tells me that I am beautiful to her. My weight increase, issues with letting my hair grow out again, and a rogue pimple every now and then do not diminish her love for me. My ex-husband would have me at Weight Watchers, with a new hairstylist and to a dermatologist right away. AND, he would have used the fact that to him, I was losing my attractiveness, as a rationale for cheating on me. See the difference? Again, I don't think that ALL men are like this. I'm sure that there are some decent men out there somewhere. There have to be. I just have not seen (or heard of) very many of them. And to be fair, there are lesbians who are manipulative, who cheat on their girlfriends, and who are just as abusive as men. We are not perfect by far. Nobody is, gay or straight. But I do feel sorry for women who have to worry, as they get older, how they will cope with the physical changes, wrinkles, age spots, body parts that have experienced the effects of gravity, weight increases, and gray hair. The ones that constantly worry that their mate will be looking for someone younger, thinner, prettier. And I am blissfully thankful that my wife will never try to put me in skimpy lingere and ridiculous clothing, but instead cherish me and the changes that my body goes through as we grow old together. Just as I will cherish her in the same way. And that's real beauty.


At 5:55 PM, Blogger cryrevolution said...

My girlfriend and I have been through much weight loss and weight gain. And I can say that it feels amazing knowing I have someone in my life that will love me and cherish me no matter what size I am. :)

At 7:16 PM, Blogger Bug said...

I'd love to hear your makeup bandwagon story. Sounds interesting!

But clearly you're not hanging with the right men. My husband sounds a lot like your partner--he loves me no matter what my weight, pimple status, or prickliness of legs. I know that our love will change with time, but I can't ever imagine him looking for someone younger, perkier, prettier, etc. I hope you find some quality man friends to make up for your bad experiences thus far.

At 7:23 PM, Blogger Carmen said...

I do have to agree, that my guy also could care less that I need to lose about 40 lbs & often forget to shave my legs. It's a great thing that you can be that comfortable with each other. Not that I don't want to take care of myself for him, but when it slacks or I can't seem to lose weight, I know he's not thinking of me any differently.
You're very lucky! Not everyone can find that! Nice post.

At 8:11 PM, Blogger Rose of Sharon said...

So, this was what you were doing instead of coming out to dinner with us! Just kidding!

Another excellent post and yet another testament to the great relationship you and your wife have. And I can vouch for that because I see it everytime we get together. You gals are definitely a pair of soulmates and it is evident.

I'm lucky too in that my partner loves me for who I am and despite the fact that I'm neurotic as hell.

But I will say one thing, love your partner/spouse, but stay healthy....weight gain or not, your health is paramount. Do whatever it takes to make sure you can both live a long and healthy life together. That's what I wish for in my relationship.

At 8:31 PM, Blogger getalife said...

Very thought-provoking! I was sorry to read you both had spouses that wanted to 'make you over'. You were right to move on!

I'm with bug and carmen in that I have a wonderful soul mate who is far less critical of my physical appearance than I am!

At 9:21 PM, Blogger The dykes next door said...

I'm glad that you have good men in your lives. I knew that there must be some out there somewhere! I guess we just didn't have much luck picking ours. But the reason that I say that there aren't many good men out there is not just because of our two sad situations. I have been listening to the straight women that I work with and know personally. Most of the women that I work with have nothing but horror stories of their experiences with men. There are very few that are happily married. And looking at the divorce rate among heterosexual couples, it just seems that there are not that many good, decent men out there. I'm glad that ya'll report otherwise! But I must clarify that the reason that we are lesbians is NOT that we had bad luck with men. I know that some people tend to think that, but if someone is not a lesbian to begin with, she isn't just going to jump ship and end up with another woman. I personally believe that we are born this way, and no matter how many bad experiences one has with men, if they aren't already a lesbian, they aren't going to end up with another woman. And I am really glad that ya'll have found good men. I would much rather be wrong about the lack of good men. And, by the way, remember that I have a 20 year old son, who we raised to be decent and caring, so I know that there is one more out there. And bug, the makeup story is an earlier post. I'll get back to you with the exact date, but I can't leave this page without losing this comment, and I don't want to have to retype all of this. Thank you to everyone who commented! And to Sharon...thank you and yes, I am going to work on getting healthier soon!

At 9:25 PM, Blogger The dykes next door said...

Bug...August 21st is the post about the makeup. I'll have to update my falling back on the bandwagon with another post soon.
So much to write, so little time!

At 3:18 PM, Blogger GoGo said...

I am in the middle of class....oops. I want to thank you for sharing and want to come back and post my reflection of your words.

I appreciate your openness on the subject...and right now I need to hear that lesbians aren't into rock solid beauty.

At 7:02 AM, Blogger paintedhouse said...

I just stumbled across your blog. Thanks for sharing your words on this topic. I was divorced 2 years ago to a man who paid no attention at all to me. Since then, finding a decent "man" is like finding a needle in the haystack. I use the quotation marks because most of them are like juvenile little boys who can't grow up and have their hang-ups about what a "sexy" woman should be. I'm 42 and just coming in to my own. I don't know what 40's have to do with anything but I can say that with age comes some degree of wisdom. I am really taking notice of myself and how I want to define who I am. In my younger years, I definitely focused on my outward appearance but now, I think it's who I am on the INSIDE that shines through. It's taken a long time to find myself again and the journey has really just begun, but I look forward to the adventure.


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